ON IT, IN IT [myfyrio ar reflections on beside/gerllaw]

I am in Caernarfon, looking at a screen, locked inside a moment marked by a waiting I don’t know what to do with. It is a time of there being no time, and there being nothing but: a season of preparation and rehearsal. The days are shorter than they have surely ever been: do you feel that too?

The near future is compressing everything around me, us, you, these fragile infrastructures that sustain us or don’t. At the same time I feel with a riotous intensity the extent to which it is not here yet. Responsibilities and distractions, urgencies and frivolities, the immediate and far away—these are all feeling indistinguishable. Every day speeds by fast and lingers suspended. It’s difficult to make the words produce sense, to make the metaphors cohere.

A message from Fern: Hi love. I am wrestling still with my text. It’s a productive wrestle! But am still on it (in it).

It’s good to remember these are common if not near-universal experiences of trying to make do with this moment. Am still on it (in it), trying to make the words make sense. Inside the screen, a WhatsApp window is studded with unreplied-to messages; outside the studio window, the town glistens all autumnal. The solace I take from Fern’s message provides access to another, the solace I frequently take from this window, from looking at Caernarfon through it, and from all the rare satisfactions that have been produced out of a decision, two years ago, to designate this place the centre of my universe. I am in it, I am in it, I need to remember this.

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